Brought you a present.

I prefer men who are funny, not "funny".

I would be a fool to let you walk through a sugar storm unkissed.

Time for a quick tour of my failings.

He thinks Velveeta is a cheese.

You have a world-class vagina.

Body glitter. How fancy of you.

Everything else is background noise.

I'm so sick of being picked apart by women.

I don't even know if I believe the truth.

I'd just sleep better with a gun.

This child really might save our marriage.

This man of mine may kill me.

We never really existed.

Cool girl. Men always use that as the defining compliment, don't they?

You are married to a psychopath.

Girls like a fixer-upper, but...she invaded me.

You might be the most hated man in America right now.

Come home and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

I've just been mistreated for so long, I've forgotten how to behave.

You fucking bitch.

I just said what you wanted to hear.

I will make sure no one forgets the pain you caused me.

We are toxic.

You think you could ever be happy with a nice, normal woman? No way, baby. I'm it.

What have we done to each other?